Overwhelmed and Underwhelmed
Motherhood is hard.
I feel like I write about this a lot, both privately and on the blog. It is the season of life I am in right now, however. I have a baby who still physically needs me, but wants to be independent. A two year old spitfire who is learning boundaries, and a five year old little boy who’s about to enter kindergarten (all the emotions) and is working through defiance and how to handle big emotions.
I am trying to give myself good outlets (running, blogging, etc.) to work through these things, but sometimes it feels like I don’t have “it” together. Sometimes it feels like I don’t have anything together.
Through the journey of motherhood so far, there have been times I have been extremely overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with dirty diapers, housework, outbursts, too many things that I have said “yes” to. I have also felt overwhelmed with love, pure adoration for my precious children and the life that my husband and I have created.
On the flipside, I have felt extremely underwhelmed at times. Most of my days look the same. Cleaning, wiping, cooking, driving, grocery shopping, etc. I have felt underwhelmed with how my life looks, especially in comparison to how everyone else’s looks from my perspective.
I know that I should be grateful, because my life is good, and God is good. But to be honest – sometimes it is hard to feel grateful. It is hard to know you should be, and then feel the guilt that accompanies not being grateful enough.
Recently, I found myself praying for a glimmer of hope. Something I had been looking forward to for a while got canceled, and I was throwing a pity party. I was trying to pray through it and ask God for something to look forward to. In my mind, I’m thinking something as simple as a solo shopping trip. Maybe something grand, like a girl’s trip to San Diego. What I received though, kind of felt like a slap in the face.
God showed me that what I have to look forward to is bigger than anything mentioned above. Nothing on this earth could give me the satisfaction I think I am looking for. The only thing that will satisfy the feeling of mutual overwhelm and underwhelm is HIM.
To be honest, not the answer I was hoping for. My flesh was hoping he would send someone to my house with a couple round trip tickets to Santorini.
The only thing that can satisfy me; the only thing that can give me the strength to get through motherhood’s seasons, both difficult and easier, is Christ.
In your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore. Psalm 16:11
While there is value in taking a solo shopping trip, or a trip across the world, I hope I can look to Christ more for rest, joy, and strength. Some days, it feels like I don’t know how I’m going to do it. How can I mother these three kids, be a wife, clean, run, find time to rest? And each day, my head hits the pillow, and the day is done.
Even when I’m not leaning on Christ for anything, He gets me through the day.
My hope is that by acknowledging my weakness without Him, I can learn to more intentionally be relying on Him and really feel the joy that is possible with Him.
Motherhood is hard. I don’t think anything will change that. I do hope however, that through the seasons of motherhood, it can truly be joyful.
Have you felt yourself dealing with underwhelm, overwhelm or just plain discontentment in motherhood? I pray that this verse can bring hope and joy in your journey, and that you’ll follow along as I attempt to process through it all!